The premiere resource for great jokes, takes a while to read through, but they are still pretty good.

Why did the Mexican push his wife over the cliff? Tequila.

Man takes his dog to the vet. Vet says "Sorry, I'm gonna have to put your dog down." "Why's that?" says the man. Vet replies " 'Cos he's heavy".

Two sodium atoms are walking along the street when one stops and says,"Oh my God, I think I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" asks the other sodium atom. "Yes," replies the first sodium atom, "I'm positive."

MAN: "Doctor, do you think I'm fat?" DOC: "Well let me put it this way, if that belly was on a woman she'd have to be pregnant" MAN: "Yeah, it was, and she is."

What d'ya get if you push a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor. Patient: "Doc, I keep seeing visions of Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy." Doctor: "How long have you been having these Disney spells?"

What do you call a bull that's swallowed a bomb? Abominable. What happens when the bomb explodes? Noble.

Two guys walking down a street and they see a dog licking it's balls. One says "Wouldn't you just love to do that?". The other man replies "Yeah, but should I pat him first?"

Skeleton goes into a bar. Orders a pint of beer and a mop.

Horse goes into a bar. Barman asks "Why the long face?" A white horse goes into a bar, orders a Bells and Coke. Barman says "Hey, we've got a whisky named after you". Horse says "OK, I'll have a Fauntleroy Sugarlumps and Coke"

Scene: It's afternoon in an old English pub converted from a large barn. Barrels made into tables and sawdust on the floor. Someone playing ragtime music on a twanky piano in the corner of the pub. Man sits at a table, just bought a pint. As he picks it up to take a sip, from nowhere a monkey appears, jumps down onto his table and shits in his drink. The monkey then disappears back up to the rafters in the roof. "What the f..!!?? ". The astonished man goes back to the bar, and gets another pint. Back at his table, he looks around, up and down. The monkey is nowhere to be seen. As he's about to sip the pint, the monkey appears again from nowhere, jumping down on the table and has another crap in the pint. "For fucks sake!" says the man but goes back to the bar and orders another drink, determined to enjoy his lunchtime pint. He sits back at the table, and nervously looking in all directions slowly brings the pint to his lips. Down jumps the monkey and once again dumps in the beer. "Right!" the man shouts, and throwing the pint to the floor he stomps over the bar. "Who's in charge here!?" he shouts at the barmaid. Shocked, she points towards the man playing the piano across the room. "He's the landlord" she says. The man storms over to the landlord and shouts "D'ya know your FUCKING MONKEY keeps SHITTING in my pint?" Landlord turns to the man and says "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

Man goes into a bar with a small newt on a lead. Barman says "You're not bringing that thing in here." "Come on, " says the man, "he's minute"

Man: "Doc you gotta help me, I keep having strange dreams. Last night I dreamed I was a wigwam, the night before I dreamed I was a teepee." Doc: "You're too tense"

Scene: 16th Century, Italian Prince named Giuseppe owner of small province in northern Italy. Giuseppe is standing on the tower of his castle, overlooking his town and its surrounds, with his henchman Antonio by his side. Giuseppe says, 'I have a wonderful city here, no Antonio?' Antonio nods in silent response. 'I build wonderful streets and marketplaces, and roads leading to all our neighbouring provinces, but do the people call me Giuseppe the Town Builder?' asks Giuseppe. 'I parley with other leaders, stifling wars, and creating great alliances that have lasted decades, but do the people call me Giuseppe the Peace Maker?' 'I purchase works of Leonardo, Raphael, and Donatello, and build a wondrous gallery for all the people to view them, but do they call me Giuseppe the Art Lover?' Giuseppe turns away, looks over his whole kingdom and sighs. 'I fuck ONE sheep...'

How do you get your girlfriend to scream while you're making love? A: Phone her and tell her what you're doing

Man walks into a bar, says "Omph!", it was an iron bar.

What kind of tuba can't you play? A tuba toothpaste.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"

What kind of data storage device is used on The Enterprise? A CD-Romulan.

THINGS THAT ARE NOW ILLEGAL 1. Muffin the Mule 2. Chicken Lickin 3. To ride a cock-horse 4. Cap'n Pugwash and the rest of the cast 5. The finger in the dyke 6. He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum 7. Wee willy winkie 8. Topoff the Monkey (not illegal in China) 9. The Princess and the pee 10. Yuffy lifts a finger.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a hooker? Your last blow job!

How do you confuse an archeologist? Give him a Tampax and ask him what period it's from.

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot an ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork. "What do you think?" the wife says. "Uh, who the fuck is Bob?" the husband replies.

Man goes into a bar with a tiger on a lead. Orders a pint for himself and one for the tiger. They both quickly drink them and the man orders two more. Over the next three hours this continues, the man and tiger matching each other, pint for pint. Last orders bell goes. The man stands up, and the tiger attempts to, but collapses and passes out. Man thinks sod it and makes for the door to leave. The barman noticing this shouts "Oi! You ain't leaving that lyin' there!" Man says "It's not a lion, it's a tiger".

This couple decide to check into a motel to have some fun, this was the first time they had ever had sex. The guy starts to undress, he takes off his socks and the woman says "What happened to your toes ?" the man replies "I had toelio when I was little". He continues to get undressed, takes off his shirt and then his trousers. The woman says "Oh, my, what happened to your knees?". The man replies "I had kneesels". He then started to remove his underwear and the woman sais "Don't tell me you had small cocks too."

What's got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog.

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

Doctor: Ive got some good and bad news. The bad news is you'll never walk again. Patient: Wh-what's the g-good news? Doctor: I've just got a date with that blonde nurse.

Bad acne? Use OXYMORON, the spot cream for pretty ugly people.

What d'ya call an escaped psychic midget? A small medium at large.

Termite walks into a bar and says "Where's the bartender?"

Sandwich walks into a bar. Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

Two blokes were painting Concorde. It was a long, tedious job. They were starting on the wings when one guy said "Hey, sniff this paint! It smells just like vodka!". "You're right!" says the other bloke "have a swig, see what it tastes like". He does and discovers it's really rather pallatable. The first guy drinks some, and before they know it they've drunk the whole pot. This continues till the end of their shift, by which time they are completely and hopelessly pissed. It's the next morning. The first bloke wakes up and he's got the mother of all hangovers. He slides slowly out of his bed and tries to stand but slips over and lands on his face. Looking around he can't believe what he's seeing. A set of small wheels have sprouted out of his feet. "Wha the Fuh..?" he says and skates into the bathroom. Gingerly he looks in the mirror. He reels back in horror as he notices that his arms are now flat, his shoulders are streamlined and his nose is now seven inches long and pointed. Suddenly the phone rings. It's his workmate. "Thank God you've called" says the man. "I've grown undercarriage, wing shape arms and an aerodynamic face!" "Yeah, same thing happened to me" came the reply, "but whatever you do, don't fart, I'm phoning from Bahrain"

Man goes into a chemist and says "A packet of three, miss". The lady behind the counter says "Don't you 'Miss' me". "OK" says the man, "I'll have a packet of four".

How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader had got for his birthday? He felt his presents.

What animal has four legs and an arm? A Pit Bull.

A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture. First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study. Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where is God?" The boy was stunned to silence. The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question: "I asked you, Where Is God?" The boy began to quake with dread.... this was no ordinary lecture for being bad! Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?" At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked. "...It's awful! The church has LOST GOD and they're BLAMING US!"

Country Salesman A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?", asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I told him, "You're weekend's screwed, you may as well go fishing."

A man sat all alone in a pub. He noticed another man sitting by the door who was greeted by everyone that walked in. The first man thought "Why am I sitting here all alone when he seems to know everyone?", so he introduced himself to the other man who replied "Hi my name is Colin ". The first man said" You seem to know a lot of people Colin" to which Colin replied "Yes thats right ,in fact I know every single person in the world". "Don't be so ridiculous!" said the first man ,and Colin explained that he could prove this by taking the man to meet any person he could think of. Man said "Ok then Colin we'll go and see Michael Jackson" , "Fair enough " replied Colin "We'll fly to America tomorrow to visit him". Next morning they knocked on the door of Jacko's ranch ,Jacko answered the door ," Hi Colin, come in have a glass of Pepsi". So there they were drinking Pepsi with Jacko, the man was thinking that this must be some sort of a set up so he said to Colin "Ok so you seem to know Jacko but I bet that you dont know Mikhial Gorbachev" , "Of course I do" replied Colin, "We'll fly to Russia tomorrow to vist my old friend Gorby". Red Square the following day...... The man and Colin knock on the door at the Kremlin, Gorby answers "Come in Colin my old friend , how are you? Have a glass of vodka". The man is now desperately trying to think of someone that Colin may not know and has a brain wave. "Here , Colin" he says "I bet you don't know the Pope do you"."Probably my best friend in the whole world,I'll take you to see him if you like". So there they are in St Peter's Square and Colin says to the man " What I'll do is , I'll go and have a word with John Paul to see if he'll let me come out on the balcony with him when he gives his morning message to the crowd here .That way if I do go on to the balcony you'll have to believe that I'm a friend of his , alright?" "Ok that's fine" replied the man. At exactly 10 o'clock Colin walked out on the balcony with the Pope , as he did so he glanced down at the crowd and noticed that the man had fainted. So he made his excuses to the Pope and rushed down to the Square to see if the man was alright. As he walked towards the man he was starting tocome round and Colin asked if the man was ok,to which the man replied "Well I was fine but when you came out on the balcony with the Pope the man standing next to me asked "Who the hell's that up there with Colin?"

Heard about the mathmatician who got his calculator stuck up his bum? He worked it out with a pencil.

What do you call a woman juggling beer? Beatrix. ...and playing pool? Beatrix Potter.

Doctors in London are researching the problem of Premature Ejaculation. They haven't found a cure yet but a spokesman said it's "coming quickly".

A man lying in his hospital bed, just waking up from an operation calls out "Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"."I'm very sorry" says the doctor, "we had to amputate your arms."

What do you call a Reliant Robin with a football in it? A whistle.

Paddy asks a building site foreman for a job. The foreman asks "Can you make a cup of tea?"."Yes" says Paddy. "Good. Can you drive a forklift?". Paddy replies "How big's your feckin' teapot?!"

What's an Essex girl's favourite wine? "I wanna go to Lakeside!"

What do you call a donkey with three legs? A wonky. ...a donkey with three legs and one eye? A winky wonky. ...a deer with no eyes? No idea. ...a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. ...a fish with no eyes? A fsh. ...a horse with no arse? A hose. ...a bear with no ears? A bee. ...a fly with no wings? A walk. ...a dog with no legs? Anything you like, he won't come to you.

Man goes into a pet shop and asks "Can I buy a wasp please?". "Sorry, sir" replies the shop assistant, "we don't sell wasps." The man replies "but you've got one in the window".

A blind carpenter. He picked up his hammer and saw. A space alien goes into a packed pub and says "Hello Earthlings! I come in peace and as a gesture of goodwill I will buy everyone a drink!". Many drinks later, the barman says to the alien "OK, that'll be £248 please". Alien replies "D'ya have change of a Zog?"

A drunk old man sloshes himself into a bar. He orders a shot of whiskey and slams it with no regard. He looks at the bartender and yells "Bartender! How tall are penquins?". The bartender is perplexed and doesn't answer. The drunk yells again this time more agitated; "BARTENDER! HOW TALL ARE PENQUINS?!". The bartender has had enough of this wino and yells back "I guess about three feet tall". The drunk slaps himself on the face and says in a slurred voice; "Oh no, I think I just ran over a nun".

What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him for a drag.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs skiing? Skip.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs sitting on your doorstep? Matt.

What do you get when you cross a PitBull with a Collie? A dog that will attack you then run for help

What goes clippityclop.clippityclop.bang.bang.clippityclop.clippityclop? An Amish drive-by shooting.

What do you call a Judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers.

A blonde woman, sick of being picked on for being a blonde, decides to dye her hair brunette to see if it would make any difference. To her amazement it seemed to work. Everyone she met was courtious and kind, and driving her car she was given right of way. To test if it improved her intellegence, on the way home she called into a farm and said to the farmer "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you let me have one of them?" "OK" said the farmer and with this she quickly looked around and said "you have 2545 sheep in your paddock" "Wow! Thats amazing! You're right" said the farmer. With that she picked one out and proceeded to leave. At this point the farmer said "I'll do a deal with you. If I can tell you your natural hair colour will you give me back my sheep dog

Four businessmen on a golf course, first one says "My company think I'm so important that they bought me this mobile phone." Showing it off he continues "Its really powerful. With this I can make or receive calls anywhere in the world, even underground, in fact it has it's own satellite to make sure I'm always in touch." "That's quite impressive." says the second businessman. "My company believe I'm a great asset to them aswell so they paid for this." With that he rolls up his sleeve and reveals a mobile phone grafted into his arm. "This means I'm never out of reach." "Well," says the third businessman "my company believes I'm such an integral part of the organisation that they've paid a fortune to have a mobile phone sewn into my lip. All I do is speak, just like I'm speaking to you gents. Best of all it doesnt even need batteries - it's powered by my own energy" The men turn to the fourth businessman, but he's nowhere to be seen. "I think I saw him heading for the bushes" says one man, so they start looking for him there. In a small clearing they spot him. He's crouching down with his trousers and pants round his ankles, and his arse out. "What are you doing here!?" asks one businessman. He replies "Sorry fellas, I'm expecting a fax."

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking when your having sex? Slow down and use a lubricant

CDEDBD DUCKS. M R NOT DUCKS. OSAR. CDEDBD WINGS? WELL ILB, M R DUCKS

One Time there was russian walking Down the street and he saw a bottle lying on the middle of the street. He picks up the bottle and there poof the gennie out of the bottle and gennie tells the man that he can grant him one wish So the russian thinks for few minutes and then tells the gennie that make his piss Vodka so gennie goes ahead and grant his wish. Russian is really happy that his piss is Vodka now he goes home calls his wife Natalie his wife came running and tells her to bring two glass and takes out his Dick and pees in there and his wife looks at him so amazed that's what her husband is doing then he tells her to drink that first she resist then she takes a small sip out of the glass she is surprised that doesn't taste like a pee it taste likes Vodka then husband tells her the whole story about the gennie and then onward every days they drink vodka this goes on for weeks one days russian comes home tells his wife to bring one glass and pees in the glass and start drinking by himself so wife looks at him ask what about her Russian tells her today you be drinking from the bottle

On Rolf Harris' Animal Hospital programme, an old lady brought her dog in, complaining that he had a nasty cough and was now rather listless. When they got him on the table, the vet took a look and said: "Say Ah" Rolf said "Surely the dog can't say Ah" "No" said the vet "I was talking to the owner, the dog's dead!"

A Lord in the bath calls to his butler, Willet. "Fetch me a towel, Willet". "Yes my Lord" replies Willet. As the butler Is leaving the bathroom the Lord farts in the bath... The butler returns 5 minutes later and hands the Lord a towel and a hot water bottle. The Lord says "thank you for the towel Willet but why the hot water bottle". "Well my Lord, as I was leaving the room I thought I heard you say What-a-bout-a-water-bottle-willet-"

What do you call a lady with no legs? Ilene

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pool? Bob

An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a local, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?" "Ya mean women?" asked the local yokel. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks have sex with sheep." "That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degradation." However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of whisky, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his woolly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares. "You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been f**king sheep for years, but when I do it you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!" One cowboy in the back of the crowd shouted back "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"

A man goes into a cake shop and asks "How much is that gattox?". The lady behind the counter replies "Actually it's pronounced 'gat-oh' and it's £7.99". The man says "Well bollo to that."

Mary had a little sheep and with that sheep she went to sleep The sheep turned out to be a ram Mary had a little lamb.

A big gorilla walks into a bar and says " I'm a big bad gorilla and I want a beer" The bartender says " Sorry, but we don't serve gorilla's in here." The gorilla says " You don't understand, I'm a big mean gorilla and I want a beer!" The bartender replies " YOU don't understand, I don't serve gorilla's in here" The gorilla says, " I'm a big bad mean gorilla, and if you don't give me a beer, I will go down to the end of the bar and eat that lady sitting on the end" The bartender says " so be it, I still don't serve gorilla's in here" So the gorilla goes down to the end of the bar ands eats the poor lady at the end. He comes back to the bartender and says "See, I am serious I am a big bad mean gorilla and I want a beer!" The bartender says " I told you, I don't serve gorilla's in here, and furthermore, I don't serve DRUG ADDICTS either" The gorilla says "Drug addicts!?" The bartender says " Yeah, that was a barbituate"

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your wall? Art. What do you call his arms and legs? Pieces of Art.

One day there was a gathering in town for people who had been involved in something strange happening to them. 100,000 people turned up. The guy who was running it said "Put your hand up if you have seen a ghost" 50,000 people put their hand up. "Put your hand up if you have touched a ghost". 25,000 people put their hand up. "Put your hand up if you have spoken to a ghost". 100 people put there hand up. "Good we're starting to get somewhere" said the guy running it. "Put your hand up if you have had sex with a ghost" he continued. One guy put his hand up. the guy running it thought that this was a bit strange, so he asked the guy when he had sex with a ghost. The man replied "Oh ghost! I thought you said goat!"

Why are Lifesavers better than men? Lifesavers come in eight different favors

What's the difference between a dog and a fox? Eight pints of lager.

Micky Mouse is in court trying to get a divorce from Minnie Mouse. The Judge calls the court to order and turns to Micky and says "I think that the grounds to divorce that you have given here are ridiculous and frivolous, I wish to discuss these in my chambers." Micky and the Judge retire to his chambers where upon the Judge turns to Micky and says "Requesting a divorce on the grounds that your wife has buck teeth is ridiculous, I am going to throw this case out, do you having anything to say?" Micky turns to the judge and with a look of horror on his face says "I didn't say that she had buck teeth, I said that she was fucking Goofy."

Why don't they show the Queen's Arse on stamps? Would you want to lick it

I was driving past the bus stop, and this bloke said "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

This guy goes into an Indian restaurant. The waiter asks him what he wants to eat. "I'll have a Chicken Tarka" "You mean a Chicken Tikka," the waiter says. "No, I mean Chicken Tarka. It's like Chicken Tikka, but it's a little otter

What do you call a man with no legs or no arms under a pile of leaves? Russell.

What do you call a man with no arms or no legs in a pot? Stew.

What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a computer? A fucking know it all.

Where is an elephant's sex organ? In it's feet, if it steps on you, you're fucked.

There's a problem with London's new sperm bank. Three of the donors came on the bus and two missed the tube

A German, an Irish man, and a Canadian all walk into a strip club. They get sat down and a dancer comes by and starts dancing. The German takes out a $10 bill licks it and sticks it to her left butt cheek. The Irish man looks at him, takes out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it to her other butt cheek. The Canadian looks at them both, takes out his bank card, swipes in between the crack and takes the money.

Two prostitutes are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets in who is perfect: Armani suit, great build, nice butt, but the bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff. Then he got off on the fifth floor. Once the doors closed one prostitute said, "Someone should give him Head and Shoulders." The other replied, "How do you give shoulders?"

What's the difference between a prostitute and her daughter? Ten dollars.

What did the leper say to the prostitute after paying her? Keep the tip.

What did the slug say to the snail? Wanna buy a Big Issue?

There's a bloke sitting in his living room, when there's a knock at the door. He answers the door and there on the doorstep is a six foot cockroach with a baseball bat,who proceeds to knock seven shades of shite out of this poor man. Two hours later he wakes up in a hospital bed with a doctor looking at him. "So what happened to you then?" asks the doctor. "Well," replied the man "I was sitting watching the telly, when there was a knock at the door. I answered it and there on the doorstep was a six foot cockroach with a baseball bat who then proceeded to beat the shit out of me" "I'm not surprised," said the doctor "there's a nasty bug going around"

Superman is getting a bit bored with the old crime fighting, so he decides to go out on the piss. Not wanting to go on his own he drops by to see his old mate Batman. "Fancy a few pints and a curry?" asks Superman. "Sorry mate, the Batmobile is broken and I've got to fix it so that I can fight crime. Try Spiderman he might be interested." replies Batman. So with that Superman flies over to Spidermans place. "Hey Spidey, how d'you fancy a good night out?" asks Superman. Spiderman replies "No can do. I've got to fix my web making machine or I won't be able to fight crime. Try WonderWoman I've heard she's up for it." So Superman flies off into the night sky and heads for WonderWoman's place. As he's flying overhead he spots WonderWoman spread-eagled and naked on the ground. "Bloody hell!", thinks Superman "I'll just nip down there give her a quick one and be off before she notices". So he flies down, does the business and flies off again. "What the bloody hell was that?" says WonderWoman. "I don't know, but my arse hurts" replies the Invisible man.

The vicar got up, it was a beautiful day. "What a beautiful day it is" he said. He thought "It is such a beautiful day I'll go for a walk". He walked through the forest and said "What a beautiful forest, all the lovely trees and the sweet sound of the birds, beautiful". As he came out of the forest he entered a beautiful valley, the grass was green and the flowers were bright in the morning sunshine. He walked through the valley and came across a beautiful little girl, playing with her little labrador dog. "Hello little girl" he said "What's your name?" "Blossom" she replied. "Thats a lovely name, why did they call you Blossom"? he asked. "Well" she replied, "before I was born my mummy and daddy kissed under an apple tree and an apple blossom fell from the tree onto my mummy's tummy and they said if they had a girl they would call me Blossom" "Oh what a simply lovely story" the vicar said "and haven't you got a delightful little dog, what's his name?" "Porky" the little girl replied. "Thats a lovely name, why do you call him Porky?" the vicar asked. "Because he fucks pigs"

Heard about the scouser who won £100 worth of cosmetics? She was made up.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairway. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." (Wait for it...) The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

A famous mail stripper was doing a show in a small town. The place was crowded and buzzing with anticipation. When he had taken off all his clothes, he announced his sensational finish. A huge crocodile was Bought onto the stage. He ordered it to open it's mouth and the crocodile opened it's mouth. He gently placed his penis between it's enormous teeth, and told it to close it's mouth around it. The crocodile closed it's mouth. Nobody in the audience dared to breath. Then the stripper told the animal to open it's mouth again, but the crocodile didn't react. The stripper was now beginning to sweat as he repeated his order. Still no reaction. Then the stripper hit the crocodile several times on the head with a heavy hammer, and the crocodile opened it's mouth. The stripper could take out his penis without a scratch. Then he turned to the audience. "Would anybody like to try this trick ?" Nobody reacted, girls were looking nervously at their boyfriends, who looked nervously at each other. The stripper repeated his question. Still no reaction from the crowd. Then a little old lady approuched the stage and said "I wouldn't mind giving it a try, but you'd have to promise not to hit me so hard with the hammer."

We are in heaven. Adam and Eve have just finished a morning sex session. God passes by and asks Adam, "Where is Eve?" Adam replies "We've just had sex, now she's down washing herself in the river." "Damned!" God cries, "Now I'll never get that smell out of the fish"

What's Mary short for? She's got no legs!

There was a boy who worked in the fruit and veg section of the supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some arsehole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the bloke standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the lad and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The lad replied, "New Zealand, sir". "Oh really? Why did you leave New Zealand" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and Rugby Players across there." "My wife is a Kiwi!!" The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

Why did God make man's brain bigger than a dog's? So it would stop them from humping women's legs at cocktail parties.

Patient enters the doctor's surgery. Doctor: "I've got some good news and some bad news" Patient: "Well, tell me the good news..." Doctor: "you have 24 hours to live..." Patient: "that's the good news? what's the bad news then?" Doctor: "I forgot to call to yesterday!"

There used to be 3 guys A,B and C. One day, they picked up a $50 note on the ground. Not knowing how to divide it, they decided to have a competition. They wanted to compete on whose flame can be the biggest. So, A started first. After he forced his flame out from his throat, he spit it on the ground. "Buong, buong,buong" it landed. Then it was B's turn. He tried even harder to throw out a bigger flame. Later, he spit it out."Buong,buong,buong, out it came.It was slightly bigger than A's. Then came C's turn.He had no flame in his throat. So, he thought of an idea. He bagan to swallow both A and Bs flames. After mixing for some time,he threw out the flame and of course, his was the biggest and he took the $50.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? A prostitute can wash her crack and re sell it.

A Lion wakes up one morning and tries to have a piss, but can't. He looks down and realises that his tool was missing so he goes to ask the monkey if he has seen it. The monkey replies "What does it look like?". The lion replies "it's big and it's got four points". The monkey tells him he hasn't seen it and suggests he asks the Jaguar so the lion asks the jaguar if he had seen his tool. The jaguar says "What does it look like?" The Lion describes it as being big with four points. The Jaguar says "Oh yeah, I've eaten it". The astonished lion says "What do you mean you've eaten it?" "Well I am a four point tool eater Jaguar"

Whats the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

What is the difference between an essex girl and a refrigerator? A fridge doesnt fart when you pull the meat out!! ha ha

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Why was the blond staring so hard at the orange juice container? It said "concentrate" on the label.

Why did the ant run across the top of the cereal box? Because it said, "tear along dotted line."

Two farmers are sitting in a pub having a quiet drink, one farmer says to the other 'I just spent £5,000 on a new bull for my farm and the bugger just wont show any interest in the cows, what am I going to do?' His friend replies, 'heres something I found always works, before you put your bull with the cow rub your fingers in the cows fanny then rub them under the bulls nose, never fails to work.' The farmer thinks this is pretty stupid but after a few more drinks he goes home looks at the bull and thinks what the hell. He goes to a cow, rubs his fingers in its fanny then rubs them under the bulls nose and wham, the bull has the biggest hard on he has ever seen, runs straight at the cow and gives it a real seeing to. The farmer thinks great and stumbles inside to bed. When he gets there he looks at his sleeping wife and says to himself, I wonder., reaches between his wifes legs rubs his fingers in her fanny and rubs them under his nose and, wham, the biggest erection he has ever had, he shakes his wife awake and says excitedly,'look love, look'. She looks at him sleepily and says 'Did you wake me up just to tell me you had a nose bleed?'

What do you say to your best friend when you come home and find him in bed with your wife? Bad Dog-BAD DOG !!

A guy walks into a pub with a dog. He sees a card game going on at one of the tables, walks up and asks them what they are playing. "Poker" says one of the players. "Can my dog play?" the guy asks. The other players are a bit suprised at this, but they agree. The dog climbs on a chair, leans on the table, picks up the pack of cards in his paws, and shuffles the deck. He then deals the cards out one-pawed by flicking the cards. "Jees, your dog is really clever" says one of the players. "Not that clever" says the guy "When he gets a good hand he wags his tail

A chicken and an egg are sitting in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette. "Well", says the chicken, "that answers that question."

Whats the difference between Jesus and the Mona Lisa?? The Mona Lisa only needs one nail

What kind of bees do you get milk from? Boobies!

What's the difference between Ofsted inspectors and plastic surgeons? Plastic surgeons Tuck up Features….

What's the difference between chalet girls and Ducks? Ducks Muck around in Fountains…..